Bad Luck Carpetbagger Doll Song [Lyrics]
It was April first in Orlando, Aaron grinned beside the wall
Said, “Here’s a little good luck charm, come and get your Carpetbagger Doll”
Folks said, “That’s a funny one, now what’s the real gag?”
Then the price tag hit a hundred bucks, and the good luck turned to bad
Bad luck Carpetbagger Doll
Crooked little grin while the whole world falls
Red suitcase packed with the end of us all
Bad luck Carpetbagger Doll
Well, the boxes came from Budsies, stacked up high at C.E.I.
Aaron waited on the orders, but the buyers passed him by
He said, “These little charms bring fortune when you take ’em on the road”
But they sat there in the warehouse, and the curse began to show
Bad luck Carpetbagger Doll
Crooked little grin while the whole world falls
Red suitcase packed with the end of us all
Bad luck Carpetbagger Doll
Then the critics came a-calling, said, “We’ll buy one for the bit”
Aaron locked the warehouse door and said, “You trolls ain’t getting it”
Jacob yelled, “They’re all stalkers!” from his Facebook in a fit
Then the doll popped open its suitcase, and the Rock-afire fuse was lit
Then Aaron hit the warehouse floor with thunder in his stride
Called Dew a fetus, cockroach, Eyepatch, wild-eyed
The dolls sat grinning in the dark while memes began to rise
And the Rock-afire world caught flame beneath those plastic eyes
Bad luck Carpetbagger Doll
Crooked little grin while the whole world falls
Red suitcase packed with the end of us all
Bad luck Carpetbagger Doll
Then Jacob ran to Smitty’s, where the Rock-afire Mafia smiled
The same old war that Aaron fought came crawling back in style
He said, “That man ain’t paid me,” while the dolls still sat unsold
And Aaron felt the bad luck charm turn friendship into mold
Now what’s in the suitcase? Nobody knows
But the zipper started smoking and the bad luck rose
COVID came crawling with a cough and a grin
The sky turned orange and the locusts flew in
The shelves went bare and the whole world locked
The murder hornets came and the graveyards stocked
The Rock-afire fandom went to all-out war
And the doll just smiled like it knew what for
Aaron said, “I pity the poor fool who buys this doll from me
I warned you once, I warned you twice, don’t pin it on C.E.I.
You can’t turn bad luck good just by saying that it’s so
And if your luck goes down the toilet, write and let me know
No returns allowed, are you kidding me with that?
He’s in perfect shape, but he’ll bring bad luck with that
I’d say good luck bidding, but I’ll tell you what is true
The only way you win this thing is if this doll don’t go to you”
Then a note came down to William, dated twenty-third of May
Said, “I’ll cross my superstitious fingers that he treats you okay”
“But I can’t be held responsible if bad luck rides along”
So Dew put on his yellow gloves and pulled the demon from the box
Bad luck Carpetbagger Doll
Crooked little grin while the whole world falls
Red suitcase packed with the end of us all
Bad luck Carpetbagger Doll
Now Aaron and Dew are running from the hell the doll let loose
Through the floods and fires and sirens, with the bad luck in pursuit
The hurricanes are howling, there’s smoke across the sky
And the doll grins from the dashboard like it watched the whole world die
Bad luck Carpetbagger Doll
Crooked little grin while the whole world falls
Red suitcase packed with the end of us all
Bad luck Carpetbagger Doll
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