Mr. Vasecto - Jacob The Carpetbagger Gets Snipped Song [Lyrics]
Sitting in the waiting room, phone gripped tight,
Blue screen glowing in the clinic light.
They say he chews too close, they say he breathes too loud,
They say, “What’s that grown man doing on a playground?”
Jenny Penny whispers, worry in her eyes,
“Are you sure you wanna do this? You can still change your mind.”
Jacob reads a comment and his eye starts to twitch,
“They called me the Carpet Creeper, that son of a bitch.”
The fish tank bubbles, the printer screams,
The carpet smells like a dying dream.
The nurse steps out with a clipboard, resigned
“Jacob… it’s time.”
He won’t shack down, he won’t stay home,
There’s a tiny train waiting, and he’s gotta ride alone.
Domo arigato, Mr. Vasecto,
Snip-snip, beep-beep, off we go.
Jacob grumbles, “Hold up, give me one more second,”
Typing like the comment section needs a lesson.
“They’re pathetic, they’re scum, they’re garbage,” he snaps,
“Human fucking garbage—no, take human back.”
Jenny says, “Babe, they’re calling your name.”
He says, “So are the trolls. They’re jealous of my fame.”
Then he pockets his phone with a wounded little sigh,
And shuffles toward the room where the bloodline goes to die.
Jacob says, “My dignity’s gone, so let’s get this over with
Before I change my mind and make a run for it.”
The doctor says, “Easy, this won’t take long,”
Then the drawer slides open like something went wrong.
The doctor pulls out scissors, heavy, cold, and wide,
Like the final jump-scare on a haunted dark ride.
Domo arigato, Mr. Vasecto,
Snip-snip, beep-beep, off we go.
The doctor gives a nod and says, “You’ll be fine,”
Then aims those giant scissors where the sun don’t shine.
Jacob stares up and says, “I’ll be honest with you,
This is not how I planned my Thursday afternoon.”
The doctor says, “Just breathe, we do this every day.”
Jacob says, “That does not help in any way.”
There’s a tiny little pause, then a terrible click,
Jacob says, “Oh good, I’m gonna be sick.”
The doctor says, “All done, you handled that great,”
Jacob says, “I have questions, but they can wait.”
Jenny Penny’s waiting with a nervous little grin,
Jacob walks out like a ghost checked in.
She says, “How’d it go?” and he says, “I survived,
But I think part of my soul stayed behind.”
Domo arigato, Mr. Vasecto,
Thank you very much, now the tubes don’t flow.
Domo arigato, Mr. Vasecto,
Snip-snip, beep-beep, off we go.
He won’t shack down, he won’t stay home,
There’s a tiny train waiting, and he’s gotta ride alone.
With an ice pack throne and a cautious stride,
He’s back on the road with his bag by his side.
No kids in the bag, no stroller in tow,
Just a tiny train waiting, and he’s ready to go.
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